Why is it that when I find a friend, I tell this person EVERYTHING and then that person just disappears from my life. Is it because I am not a good person? Am I boring? Am I mean? What is wrong with me that causes people to run?
I have been in this pattern all my life. I guess I am not a good friend? I am sure being so down and depressed all the time has caused some to run. I am just tired of opening up to people just to turn around and have them find something better to do with their life. My parents have these best friends they do EVERYTHING with. I want that kind of relationship so badly. I am tired of sitting in relief society alone. Literally I sit and not a single person talks to me. Jason and I have yet to have real friends. We never get invited to do things and we are always left out. I am in no way talking about my dear family who I am so lucky to have 4 of the BEST sister in laws a person could ask for. I am talking about outside my family life.
It hurts............ it hurts really bad. Heck what am I talking about? I HAVE no life. My life is sitting at a computer, sitting at a table making bows and caring for my children. I have no identity outside of that. I would fade into the distance if I stopped doing all that. I am sure that is why people don't like me. I don't even know who I am. If people had any idea the HURT and UGLY things i have been through in my life they may understand why I am so guarded. Yet I don't tell anyone...... I don't talk about it with my husband either and it just stays bottled up inside me. I must give off an "awful person" vibe.
I have ALWAYS relied on other people to determine who I am. Growing up I always was in a relationship, never single, never alone. I craved attention because I didn't really have any friends. Sure I was semi popular, I was a cheerleader and ______ girlfriend, but again it was just a title. So how do I change ME so that people want to be around me? How do I allow myself to heal and not push people away?
Do I just let all the bad things out of the bag? Is that how I heal? Will that help me to feel better about myself so people aren't put off by me? Am I really that socially awkward? Am I really that bad, do people really try and avoid me? I am sorry if anyone is actually reading this......
I need to find out who I am. Why am I just figuring this out at almost 30? I should have my crap together by now..... yet I don't. I spend all my time trying to put on a show like everything is ok, that I think things will get better, that I really am a positive person. You know what? I am tired of playing that game. Things are NOT ok, I am not pretending any more. I am not going to run off and do something drastic but I hurt. It has taken me almost 30 years for me to say this but I am NOT ok, I hurt, I don't have a single clue WHO I AM. That is why people don't like me and I drive friends away. How can I be there for someone when I can't even deal with the issues I have with myself? I admit...... I am a horrible friend. I forget to call, I get so busy and stressed that is all I talk about. Saying all this even if no one reads it (not that anyone should have to read this horrible post anyway) has actually made me feel like I can change. I want to be a better person, friend, sister, mother and wife. I am tired of being jealous of those around me. I see their relationships and I am jealous, their jobs, their homes...... everything! I know I need to get over that. People always tell me that you never know what is really going on in their life and it could be horrible even if it seems perfect.
I want to heal from all those horrible things in my life. I WANT to talk about them and maybe, just maybe I can become a better person once I am free of all the negative things I struggle with. I started this side blog for a reason. I need and crave an organized happy life. I just want it to be real, not some show. I am ready to let it all go and become the kind of person that people actually want to be around. I will post things that i am sure no one cares to read but just the thought of putting this out there and opening myself up makes me feel like I am letting it go.
I also need to remember all the good in people and I need to tell them know how they are such a big part of my life. I want my family and hopefully friends to know I love them and for them to know I am ALWAYS here if they ever need me. I want to be the kind of person that is emotionally and mentally ready to be the kind of friend I need to be. So NOW is a time for change, healing and becoming a better person.
I know I am the little sister in law, but I feel like I am in a similar situation. Ever since I got married, I feel like I have the plague! My other married friends are so busy being married, like I am, and my single friends just seem to be turned away by the fact that we no longer have relationship statuses in common. We have been in our ward for over 8 months. I've met my visiting teacher partner once, and don't know anybody else in the ward. That is probably mostly because of being in the nursery, but it's still frustrating. I find that when I want to do things with other people, I tend to not call them or anything, because I assume they are already busy with their own lives and don't have time to do things with me anymore. It's such a hard place to be! But I definitely don't think that this is because you are (or I am) a bad friend or person. It's just an awkward situation. I feel like with my case, I have kind of done it to myself. I feel like I got so caught up in my life with Devin that I left everything else completely behind. I was all about marriage, and newly-wedded-ness that I didn't seem to care for anything else, and now that I'm finding I miss that stuff, I've pushed it too far away that it will be hard to get back. I got selfish and it bit me in the butt! I'm not saying that's what happened with you. Just trying to relate! I want to be able to do more things with you though! I LOVE helping you with ARB orders and watching PLL (MONDAY!!! girls night??) and now that devin will be working 10 hour days, I'm going to have even MORE free time with him working so much, and with all his school. We should definitely do more together. You, Chloe and I! I miss you guys. I miss our antique mall trips and cracker barrell dinners! And craft nights! Anyway, I love you. You are probably the single most amazing friend anybody could have, and people are sincerely lucky to know you. You are one of the strongest women I've ever met and I so admire the way you handle everything life throws at you! I say it all the time, but you are wonderful at everything you do, and I truly look up to you and aspire to be half the woman you are! Another thought: I am a huge believer that what's meant to be will always find a way, and everything happens for a reason. No coincidences. I love that you are going to focus on just being YOU. I feel like I could really use a resolution like that too! I feel like I change my personality a little bit depending on who I am around, and Devin is always SO consistent. He is who he is, no matter what, and I love that about him. It helps me every day to try and stay true to myself. It's so much harder than it sounds! Especially when you aren't sure who YOU are. I'm in the same boat! Ah, I have so many random thoughts right now, sorry this is long and weird! haha anyway. i love you! life is good! you are GREAT and everything going to work out :) (also? maybe i comment on every single one of your posts ever... but it's only because it seems like they are all exactly the kinds of things i need to know/see/read. divine intervention? just maybe. haha!)
ReplyDeleteyou might be surprised at who actually reads your posts. This is Sean by the way not chloe. Some times life just sucks and its hard. and im not going to sit here and say how i understand what you are going through because i don't. I mean i've had my own struggles and battles that i've worked through and continue to fight each day but they are different than yours. Although i do know that everything works out in the end. Blessings come in the strangest ways. Just know that we are thinking about you and praying for you. And if you need to talk, i've always got time to listen. If you need another "set of eyes" to look at things and help out, i can do that too. I've learned alot from other people helping me along the way. Anyway i don't want to preach but just know we love you and it will get better. May take a long time, may take a few months, who knows. but it will. Cheer up charley.
ReplyDeletei know we are texting right now and you already know how i feel about all this so i am just going to say that i love you and am always here for you. thank you for inspiring me to work on myself as well. i've been blessed with such amazing in-laws. let me know if i can do anything for you..and sean was right.. you are in our thoughts and prayers. he loves you so much. i hope you know that!
ReplyDelete