Lesson

Today was a very powerful lesson in relief society. The lesson was titled "love thy neighbor". I found myself trying to keep the tears from flowing the entire lesson. I have been blessed with so much love and kindness shown to me and my family over the past few years. When we lost Matt our entire ward seemed to be behind us. They would come over, call, write, leave food and offer help with kids. It was amazing how flags were put out at our house for a week. The young men and young women had no idea how much that meant to us. More important it meant alot to Jason. He was hurting but I know he felt the love that was all around us just as much as I did.

Another example of kindness, one that I will never forget was when Jason and I left for a trip on another memorial they were doing. My dear friend came over late one night without me knowing, cleaned the house, organized my shop supplies and didn't even tell me. I walked into the house just shocked! I was under so much stress at the time I just could not believe someone would do that for me.

I am on the receiving end of alot of kindness from two very important sisters. They may not be blood but they are my only sisters and wonderful how much they have shown me and taught me over the past couple of years. They NEVER pause to think when i need help, they are always there with a big smile. Drinks, talks, encouragement and much more. The kindness and love shown from them is somethng I will never be able to repay and will spend my life trying.

Another example would be my parents. When Jason and I felt like we were at a dead end they kindly told us it was time to move in with them and have helped us get on our feet again. The support and unconditional love they have shown is more then I can express. They didn't have to let our little family of five take over their home, they easily could have just let us learn a hard lesson but didn't.

All these and more came to mind as I was listening to the lesson. So very thankful for all those wonderful people in my life. I am really blessed and will continue to try and recognize the positive things in my life instead of all the doom and gloom.

President Monson said in an article that came on in the Ensign that the biggest part of living a full and happy life is your attitude. I want to change mine..... I will work on it!

Fun

Getting out with some of my favorite people yesterday was exactly what I needed. Kids are back to school today and I am so ready to get back on a schedule. I don't hear any fighting or crying right now...... all is good in the world right now, this very moment.

Cleansing

Purity is natural. We come into this world with all the right instincts. We are innocent and therefor perceive things as they should be, rather then how they are. Our conscience is clear, our hands are clean, and the world at large is truly beautiful. It is at this time we feel most blessed. To begin feeling young again, we must begin with the most basic step of all; the daily ritual of cleansing.

This is on the bottle of my face wash. I have read the quote every day for years but never had it make more sense then it did today. It is EXACTLY what I am trying to do. Cleansing my life of the negative so I can once again see the world as beautiful.

So the journey truly begins..

why?

Why is it that when I find a friend, I tell this person EVERYTHING and then that person just disappears from my life. Is it because I am not a good person? Am I boring? Am I mean? What is wrong with me that causes people to run?

I have been in this pattern all my life. I guess I am not a good friend? I am sure being so down and depressed all the time has caused some to run. I am just tired of opening up to people just to turn around and have them find something better to do with their life. My parents have these best friends they do EVERYTHING with. I want that kind of relationship so badly. I am tired of sitting in relief society alone. Literally I sit and not a single person talks to me. Jason and I have yet to have real friends. We never get invited to do things and we are always left out. I am in no way talking about my dear family who I am so lucky to have 4 of the BEST sister in laws a person could ask for. I am talking about outside my family life.

It hurts............ it hurts really bad. Heck what am I talking about? I HAVE no life. My life is sitting at a computer, sitting at a table making bows and caring for my children. I have no identity outside of that. I would fade into the distance if I stopped doing all that. I am sure that is why people don't like me. I don't even know who I am. If people had any idea the HURT and UGLY things i have been through in my life they may understand why I am so guarded. Yet I don't tell anyone...... I don't talk about it with my husband either and it just stays bottled up inside me. I must give off an "awful person" vibe.

I have ALWAYS relied on other people to determine who I am. Growing up I always was in a relationship, never single, never alone. I craved attention because I didn't really have any friends. Sure I was semi popular, I was a cheerleader and ______ girlfriend, but again it was just a title. So how do I change ME so that people want to be around me? How do I allow myself to heal and not push people away?

Do I just let all the bad things out of the bag? Is that how I heal? Will that help me to feel better about myself so people aren't put off by me? Am I really that socially awkward? Am I really that bad, do people really try and avoid me? I am sorry if anyone is actually reading this......

I need to find out who I am. Why am I just figuring this out at almost 30? I should have my crap together by now..... yet I don't. I spend all my time trying to put on a show like everything is ok, that I think things will get better, that I really am a positive person. You know what? I am tired of playing that game. Things are NOT ok, I am not pretending any more. I am not going to run off and do something drastic but I hurt. It has taken me almost 30 years for me to say this but I am NOT ok, I hurt, I don't have a single clue WHO I AM. That is why people don't like me and I drive friends away. How can I be there for someone when I can't even deal with the issues I have with myself? I admit...... I am a horrible friend. I forget to call, I get so busy and stressed that is all I talk about. Saying all this even if no one reads it (not that anyone should have to read this horrible post anyway) has actually made me feel like I can change. I want to be a better person, friend, sister, mother and wife. I am tired of being jealous of those around me. I see their relationships and I am jealous, their jobs, their homes...... everything! I know I need to get over that. People always tell me that you never know what is really going on in their life and it could be horrible even if it seems perfect.

I want to heal from all those horrible things in my life. I WANT to talk about them and maybe, just maybe I can become a better person once I am free of all the negative things I struggle with. I started this side blog for a reason. I need and crave an organized happy life. I just want it to be real, not some show. I am ready to let it all go and become the kind of person that people actually want to be around. I will post things that i am sure no one cares to read but just the thought of putting this out there and opening myself up makes me feel like I am letting it go.

I also need to remember all the good in people and I need to tell them know how they are such a big part of my life. I want my family and hopefully friends to know I love them and for them to know I am ALWAYS here if they ever need me. I want to be the kind of person that is emotionally and mentally ready to be the kind of friend I need to be. So NOW is a time for change, healing and becoming a better person.

New Year

Today has been a pretty good day. Woke up late and bummed around for a few hours. Then got ready for 1:00 church, which is not my favorite. Addison naps around noon so church is right during her nap time and it causes her to be super cranky but we will figure that all out in time. Every single lesson today was on obedience. I feel like it was exactly what I needed. I am no rebel, I pray, read my scriptures etc. I just feel like it isn't enough lately. I generally am really hard on myself, that I am working on but I do feel like I need to amp up the obedience factor. my heart tells me that in order for my little family to have a better year in 2012 I need to do more. Alot is going to happen in 2012. I will move out of my parents house, I will have a 10, 6 and 2 year old, we are going to disney land, Jason and I will celebrate 10 years of marraige and I will turn 30..... ugh I hate saying that but yes I will no longer be a 20 something year old and it kinda scares me. I have done alot of thinking and praying over the last couple months. I may not be sure about where my life is headed but one thing I DO know is that something is out there that we are being tested for. Passing this test, the horrible place in our life will bring us one of the biggest blessings you can imagine. It may be something that I am involved in, it could be a new job, schooling, a big move.... just not sure but something is going to fall into place one of these days and as long as we are obedient and continue in faith we will be able to recognize it. So for this new year I will walk by faith not by sight and try to be obedient in all things to come closer to our Father in Heaven.

off my chest

please don't read this and think I am just complaining because I am very very blessed in my life but I have to get a few things down before I spend 2 days crying it out...





I am sitting here, looking out the window while looking at rentals online. My heart hurts..... 2010/2011 has been a really really hard year and a half. Down to the hardest thing I have had to do and that is move in with family. I am so grateful we have the chance to start over and oh how thankful I am to a mother and father who took us in without a second thought. I am just aching for my own............ my own life back. I have no motivation any more. I am not motivated to clean, to cook, to do anything! I look at rentals just about every single day, dreaming about having my life back. I really thought that by the time I was 30 that I would have my life together. I would own a home, be financially secure, and basically all together. Usually I have a schedule and get things done but I really struggle with that lately.





I read a talk by Elder Holland today and part of it goes-


“Don’t give up, boy. Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead—a lot of it—30 years of it now, and still counting. You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.”





So I will end with that "Trust God and believe in good things to come."

Be of Good Cheer - President Thomas S. Monson - April 2009 General Confe...