I think I am trapped in the constant beat of life. Same thing every day, same news every day, nothing really positive. How many jobs can you interview with before SOMEONE says "yes"!?! Jason has probably applied for 20 jobs this past week, had one interview that promised him a call back and STILL nothing..... One job told us they are not hiring until March, one never called back, one is a maybe but would move us to New York. Really are we at that point in our life where moving out of state is our only option to survive? I just am heart broken for Jason. He works his butt off, doesn't ever get paid on time and tries so hard to find a new job only to be let down over and over. He is grumpy, down, and just not himself. I know what he is thinking... he feels like he has failed. I feel like he hasn't. I am just really ready for some things to start going our way. I feel like it has been a constant battle since he lost his job with Houghton about 3 years ago. He went without a job for a year and a half, finally found a job and now they don't even pay us on time. Still waiting for our check from Friday and no news as to when it will arrive. We hear the same thing every day "it will be here tomorrow for sure" well tomorrow is here, it isn't here so stop saying FOR SURE!
The bishopric is coming over tonight for a "get to know you" and I am going to right up front with them and say we need help finding a job for Jason. Is that wrong of me??? Then we are headed to get our temple recommends signed by the stake president. I hope that maybe we can get to the temple this weekend. We need some direction bad. We need some help..... There I said it! I need help, I am not going to be too prideful to say it any more. I need help, my family needs help. Praying for the strength to continue putting a smile on my face for my husband. I need a trip to the temple if nothing more then to feel something good and positive for a little bit. blah, such a downer but that is just how I feel and I know it never changes. I am always worried about this exact same thing :(
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Feeling overwhelmed
Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed. Most of those that know me, know that I get this way often. It is a little different this time. It is not because I am busy with my business, or the kids..... I am feeling this huge pressure to better our situation and find a place to move with in 8 months. I look at our finances and don't know how we will be able to accomplish so much so quickly. I panic because I don't feel like I am selling enough, doing enough with the kids, doing enough to be a great wife and mother. It is amazing if I can go the entire time at church with out tears flowing.
From Presiden Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk "Forget Me Not"=
Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.
Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!
He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name—you are the daughters of His kingdom. The Psalmist wrote:
“When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained;
“What is man, that thou art mindful of him? …
“For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.”5
God loves you because you are His child. He loves you even though at times you may feel lonely or make mistakes.
The love of God and the power of the restored gospel are redemptive and saving. If you will only allow His divine love into your life, it can dress any wound, heal any hurt, and soften any sorrow.
We are promised that if we look to the lord that he will help us with our trials. He will hold our hands, walk with us during the dark times. I just know I have to keep trying. Eight months seems like a small amount of time but I have to HOPE and have FAITH that it will be enough. That something amazing is in store for us. This is just a set up for a HUGE positive....... I hope
From Presiden Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk "Forget Me Not"=
Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.
Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!
He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name—you are the daughters of His kingdom. The Psalmist wrote:
“When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained;
“What is man, that thou art mindful of him? …
“For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.”5
God loves you because you are His child. He loves you even though at times you may feel lonely or make mistakes.
The love of God and the power of the restored gospel are redemptive and saving. If you will only allow His divine love into your life, it can dress any wound, heal any hurt, and soften any sorrow.
We are promised that if we look to the lord that he will help us with our trials. He will hold our hands, walk with us during the dark times. I just know I have to keep trying. Eight months seems like a small amount of time but I have to HOPE and have FAITH that it will be enough. That something amazing is in store for us. This is just a set up for a HUGE positive....... I hope
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Lesson
Today was a very powerful lesson in relief society. The lesson was titled "love thy neighbor". I found myself trying to keep the tears from flowing the entire lesson. I have been blessed with so much love and kindness shown to me and my family over the past few years. When we lost Matt our entire ward seemed to be behind us. They would come over, call, write, leave food and offer help with kids. It was amazing how flags were put out at our house for a week. The young men and young women had no idea how much that meant to us. More important it meant alot to Jason. He was hurting but I know he felt the love that was all around us just as much as I did.
Another example of kindness, one that I will never forget was when Jason and I left for a trip on another memorial they were doing. My dear friend came over late one night without me knowing, cleaned the house, organized my shop supplies and didn't even tell me. I walked into the house just shocked! I was under so much stress at the time I just could not believe someone would do that for me.
I am on the receiving end of alot of kindness from two very important sisters. They may not be blood but they are my only sisters and wonderful how much they have shown me and taught me over the past couple of years. They NEVER pause to think when i need help, they are always there with a big smile. Drinks, talks, encouragement and much more. The kindness and love shown from them is somethng I will never be able to repay and will spend my life trying.
Another example would be my parents. When Jason and I felt like we were at a dead end they kindly told us it was time to move in with them and have helped us get on our feet again. The support and unconditional love they have shown is more then I can express. They didn't have to let our little family of five take over their home, they easily could have just let us learn a hard lesson but didn't.
All these and more came to mind as I was listening to the lesson. So very thankful for all those wonderful people in my life. I am really blessed and will continue to try and recognize the positive things in my life instead of all the doom and gloom.
President Monson said in an article that came on in the Ensign that the biggest part of living a full and happy life is your attitude. I want to change mine..... I will work on it!
Another example of kindness, one that I will never forget was when Jason and I left for a trip on another memorial they were doing. My dear friend came over late one night without me knowing, cleaned the house, organized my shop supplies and didn't even tell me. I walked into the house just shocked! I was under so much stress at the time I just could not believe someone would do that for me.
I am on the receiving end of alot of kindness from two very important sisters. They may not be blood but they are my only sisters and wonderful how much they have shown me and taught me over the past couple of years. They NEVER pause to think when i need help, they are always there with a big smile. Drinks, talks, encouragement and much more. The kindness and love shown from them is somethng I will never be able to repay and will spend my life trying.
Another example would be my parents. When Jason and I felt like we were at a dead end they kindly told us it was time to move in with them and have helped us get on our feet again. The support and unconditional love they have shown is more then I can express. They didn't have to let our little family of five take over their home, they easily could have just let us learn a hard lesson but didn't.
All these and more came to mind as I was listening to the lesson. So very thankful for all those wonderful people in my life. I am really blessed and will continue to try and recognize the positive things in my life instead of all the doom and gloom.
President Monson said in an article that came on in the Ensign that the biggest part of living a full and happy life is your attitude. I want to change mine..... I will work on it!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Fun
Getting out with some of my favorite people yesterday was exactly what I needed. Kids are back to school today and I am so ready to get back on a schedule. I don't hear any fighting or crying right now...... all is good in the world right now, this very moment.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Cleansing
Purity is natural. We come into this world with all the right instincts. We are innocent and therefor perceive things as they should be, rather then how they are. Our conscience is clear, our hands are clean, and the world at large is truly beautiful. It is at this time we feel most blessed. To begin feeling young again, we must begin with the most basic step of all; the daily ritual of cleansing.
This is on the bottle of my face wash. I have read the quote every day for years but never had it make more sense then it did today. It is EXACTLY what I am trying to do. Cleansing my life of the negative so I can once again see the world as beautiful.
So the journey truly begins..
This is on the bottle of my face wash. I have read the quote every day for years but never had it make more sense then it did today. It is EXACTLY what I am trying to do. Cleansing my life of the negative so I can once again see the world as beautiful.
So the journey truly begins..
Sunday, January 1, 2012
why?
Why is it that when I find a friend, I tell this person EVERYTHING and then that person just disappears from my life. Is it because I am not a good person? Am I boring? Am I mean? What is wrong with me that causes people to run?
I have been in this pattern all my life. I guess I am not a good friend? I am sure being so down and depressed all the time has caused some to run. I am just tired of opening up to people just to turn around and have them find something better to do with their life. My parents have these best friends they do EVERYTHING with. I want that kind of relationship so badly. I am tired of sitting in relief society alone. Literally I sit and not a single person talks to me. Jason and I have yet to have real friends. We never get invited to do things and we are always left out. I am in no way talking about my dear family who I am so lucky to have 4 of the BEST sister in laws a person could ask for. I am talking about outside my family life.
It hurts............ it hurts really bad. Heck what am I talking about? I HAVE no life. My life is sitting at a computer, sitting at a table making bows and caring for my children. I have no identity outside of that. I would fade into the distance if I stopped doing all that. I am sure that is why people don't like me. I don't even know who I am. If people had any idea the HURT and UGLY things i have been through in my life they may understand why I am so guarded. Yet I don't tell anyone...... I don't talk about it with my husband either and it just stays bottled up inside me. I must give off an "awful person" vibe.
I have ALWAYS relied on other people to determine who I am. Growing up I always was in a relationship, never single, never alone. I craved attention because I didn't really have any friends. Sure I was semi popular, I was a cheerleader and ______ girlfriend, but again it was just a title. So how do I change ME so that people want to be around me? How do I allow myself to heal and not push people away?
Do I just let all the bad things out of the bag? Is that how I heal? Will that help me to feel better about myself so people aren't put off by me? Am I really that socially awkward? Am I really that bad, do people really try and avoid me? I am sorry if anyone is actually reading this......
I need to find out who I am. Why am I just figuring this out at almost 30? I should have my crap together by now..... yet I don't. I spend all my time trying to put on a show like everything is ok, that I think things will get better, that I really am a positive person. You know what? I am tired of playing that game. Things are NOT ok, I am not pretending any more. I am not going to run off and do something drastic but I hurt. It has taken me almost 30 years for me to say this but I am NOT ok, I hurt, I don't have a single clue WHO I AM. That is why people don't like me and I drive friends away. How can I be there for someone when I can't even deal with the issues I have with myself? I admit...... I am a horrible friend. I forget to call, I get so busy and stressed that is all I talk about. Saying all this even if no one reads it (not that anyone should have to read this horrible post anyway) has actually made me feel like I can change. I want to be a better person, friend, sister, mother and wife. I am tired of being jealous of those around me. I see their relationships and I am jealous, their jobs, their homes...... everything! I know I need to get over that. People always tell me that you never know what is really going on in their life and it could be horrible even if it seems perfect.
I want to heal from all those horrible things in my life. I WANT to talk about them and maybe, just maybe I can become a better person once I am free of all the negative things I struggle with. I started this side blog for a reason. I need and crave an organized happy life. I just want it to be real, not some show. I am ready to let it all go and become the kind of person that people actually want to be around. I will post things that i am sure no one cares to read but just the thought of putting this out there and opening myself up makes me feel like I am letting it go.
I also need to remember all the good in people and I need to tell them know how they are such a big part of my life. I want my family and hopefully friends to know I love them and for them to know I am ALWAYS here if they ever need me. I want to be the kind of person that is emotionally and mentally ready to be the kind of friend I need to be. So NOW is a time for change, healing and becoming a better person.
I have been in this pattern all my life. I guess I am not a good friend? I am sure being so down and depressed all the time has caused some to run. I am just tired of opening up to people just to turn around and have them find something better to do with their life. My parents have these best friends they do EVERYTHING with. I want that kind of relationship so badly. I am tired of sitting in relief society alone. Literally I sit and not a single person talks to me. Jason and I have yet to have real friends. We never get invited to do things and we are always left out. I am in no way talking about my dear family who I am so lucky to have 4 of the BEST sister in laws a person could ask for. I am talking about outside my family life.
It hurts............ it hurts really bad. Heck what am I talking about? I HAVE no life. My life is sitting at a computer, sitting at a table making bows and caring for my children. I have no identity outside of that. I would fade into the distance if I stopped doing all that. I am sure that is why people don't like me. I don't even know who I am. If people had any idea the HURT and UGLY things i have been through in my life they may understand why I am so guarded. Yet I don't tell anyone...... I don't talk about it with my husband either and it just stays bottled up inside me. I must give off an "awful person" vibe.
I have ALWAYS relied on other people to determine who I am. Growing up I always was in a relationship, never single, never alone. I craved attention because I didn't really have any friends. Sure I was semi popular, I was a cheerleader and ______ girlfriend, but again it was just a title. So how do I change ME so that people want to be around me? How do I allow myself to heal and not push people away?
Do I just let all the bad things out of the bag? Is that how I heal? Will that help me to feel better about myself so people aren't put off by me? Am I really that socially awkward? Am I really that bad, do people really try and avoid me? I am sorry if anyone is actually reading this......
I need to find out who I am. Why am I just figuring this out at almost 30? I should have my crap together by now..... yet I don't. I spend all my time trying to put on a show like everything is ok, that I think things will get better, that I really am a positive person. You know what? I am tired of playing that game. Things are NOT ok, I am not pretending any more. I am not going to run off and do something drastic but I hurt. It has taken me almost 30 years for me to say this but I am NOT ok, I hurt, I don't have a single clue WHO I AM. That is why people don't like me and I drive friends away. How can I be there for someone when I can't even deal with the issues I have with myself? I admit...... I am a horrible friend. I forget to call, I get so busy and stressed that is all I talk about. Saying all this even if no one reads it (not that anyone should have to read this horrible post anyway) has actually made me feel like I can change. I want to be a better person, friend, sister, mother and wife. I am tired of being jealous of those around me. I see their relationships and I am jealous, their jobs, their homes...... everything! I know I need to get over that. People always tell me that you never know what is really going on in their life and it could be horrible even if it seems perfect.
I want to heal from all those horrible things in my life. I WANT to talk about them and maybe, just maybe I can become a better person once I am free of all the negative things I struggle with. I started this side blog for a reason. I need and crave an organized happy life. I just want it to be real, not some show. I am ready to let it all go and become the kind of person that people actually want to be around. I will post things that i am sure no one cares to read but just the thought of putting this out there and opening myself up makes me feel like I am letting it go.
I also need to remember all the good in people and I need to tell them know how they are such a big part of my life. I want my family and hopefully friends to know I love them and for them to know I am ALWAYS here if they ever need me. I want to be the kind of person that is emotionally and mentally ready to be the kind of friend I need to be. So NOW is a time for change, healing and becoming a better person.
New Year
Today has been a pretty good day. Woke up late and bummed around for a few hours. Then got ready for 1:00 church, which is not my favorite. Addison naps around noon so church is right during her nap time and it causes her to be super cranky but we will figure that all out in time. Every single lesson today was on obedience. I feel like it was exactly what I needed. I am no rebel, I pray, read my scriptures etc. I just feel like it isn't enough lately. I generally am really hard on myself, that I am working on but I do feel like I need to amp up the obedience factor. my heart tells me that in order for my little family to have a better year in 2012 I need to do more. Alot is going to happen in 2012. I will move out of my parents house, I will have a 10, 6 and 2 year old, we are going to disney land, Jason and I will celebrate 10 years of marraige and I will turn 30..... ugh I hate saying that but yes I will no longer be a 20 something year old and it kinda scares me. I have done alot of thinking and praying over the last couple months. I may not be sure about where my life is headed but one thing I DO know is that something is out there that we are being tested for. Passing this test, the horrible place in our life will bring us one of the biggest blessings you can imagine. It may be something that I am involved in, it could be a new job, schooling, a big move.... just not sure but something is going to fall into place one of these days and as long as we are obedient and continue in faith we will be able to recognize it. So for this new year I will walk by faith not by sight and try to be obedient in all things to come closer to our Father in Heaven.
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