Crazy journey!

I really feel I need to document all that has gone on in the last few months. I have been really bad about doing that but in the future I feel that looking back at all that has gone on will help us make decisions and be confident that we can do anything considering all we have accomplished. First I will start off with when it all started.... Jason was let go from his amazing job as an estimator and I had Addi then was told in June that I no longer had a job at my company just before I was to come back from maternity leave. So we started looking for a job for Jason but really had the most horrible time. I remember the comments that came from people "he just needs to try harder", "he needs to be making phone calls" etc. Little did people know that we probably put in 100's of resumes and made 100's of calls during the summer to try and find work for him. Thankfully we both had unemployment income coming in so it floated us for a while. We also had a great savings established so that worked out well. Then in September 2010 the most horrible day I can remember (september 21st) we got the knock on the door and found out Jason's brother had been killed. No one really understands all that goes into the military process for KIA Heros until you have to deal with it. It was 2 solid months of things that HAD to be done from receiving the body in Dover to the funeral and final investigations etc. Unlike anything I have ever witnessed in my life and something I wouldn't wish on ANYONE! Moving on from that..... Still no job for Jason which I truly believe was a blessing because of all that Jason had to do for his family and all the traveling that came from this horrific event. in April 2012 Jason stopped working for a horrible employer and started to take class for his CDL license. This previous job ruined us. I don't think people really understand all that went on with them. They were just down right horrible and I feel sorry for anyone that has to work for them in the future......... that is if they are even around. As everyone knows we took a job with lower in come (this horrible job) just so Jason had a job. He was promised so much up front. Promised he would be a manager, that he would run a certain part of the business etc. We took this as a good sign and went with it. Things were great for a few months until they started to try and cut costs. First cost cut was how they paid their employees. They started to do piece work rate which didn't guarantee us any kind of wage. Sometimes it was great but most of the time we lost lots of money because of how poorly the system was set up. The owners would make a huge mistake that would take the workers 2 times longer to finish something and so in turn those that did the work didn't get paid as much. This went on for a couple of months and then one pay day our check didn't go into the bank like it should have. We had direct deposit and usually it was there by 9 am. When 1:00 came around and still no money Jason finally got a hold of his boss. They gave some excuse about something I can't even remember and told them it would be a little longer. Jason decided to call the payroll company/benefit company to find out what in the world was going on and come to find out the company he worked for BOUNCED their payroll check. They didn't have a dime to pay their employees. We had bills set up for payment (we were living paycheck to paycheck so you better believe we set things up to come out the day we got paid), creditors that were expecting us to pay etc. Over $1,000 negative in our checking account later we still had no paycheck. Not only did we not have a paycheck but we now had bounced fees, return check charges and collection accounts that would now go on my credit because I didn't keep up with my end of the terms that were set for repayment. The following week we finally received our paycheck and a few extra dollars to cover some of the bounced fees but the damage had already been done. This continued to happen off and on for months. During this time we lost so much. We lost our good credit scores, we lost our reputation with our bank (always being in the negative will do that to you) and we lost the chance to keep some collection accounts with the hospital off our credit (well my credit). During this time we started the process of looking for another job. My good friend's husband started working for a company that was hiring so Jason put in an application and got a call back. We went up to Bountiful to interview and was given great news. The only thing he had to do was get his CDL and he would get the job. We started looking into him going to school to be a motorcycle mechanic as well in Arizona. So we started to work hard on some other options. The school didn't work out as it was not really possible to find work for him that would pay enough to support a family and go to school. The oil field job was still and option and they told us he needed to get that CDL so once they were hiring again he would be first in line to get the job. So we borrowed $3,000 sent him to school in April and he left his horrible job behind. Jason did well in the class as I expected. He passed everything right away and then we contacted the recruiter to notify him we had the license and was ready for work. He called back said they were ready to hire him and asked how we felt about moving to West Virginia. We said yes as we knew the pay would be great and would allow us to support our growing kids. A week later we get a call saying that wont be happening and wondering how we felt about Pensylvania? Just like before we said GREAT lets do it and so Jason was instructed to come up to Bountiful, grab the HR packet and fill it out. We sat through another interview and was given a date to orientation in the middle of the following month. We then got a call on monday saying that Pen. isn't a good fit and that we are a for sure go for North Dakota. Jason turned in his hiring packet which included all the items for payroll etc. To us it seemed pretty ligit! It seemed like this was for sure going to happen. Then no contact from the company and an email later we find the company has been put on a hiring freeze AGAIN. So discouraged at this point we stopped even trying. Being told for months we had this amazing job then NOTHING just stung.... it really hurt Jason's confidence as well. We spent all this money for a CDL and now had NO job and no possibility of a job. So Jason started looking around. A really good friend of mine posted that they were looking for CDL drivers for a company and to have Jason send in a resume RIGHT away. So we did and 5 minutes later he was set for an interview on Monday. The interview came and he was offered the job ON THE SPOT. We were SO excited! A job! After 2 months of no job we were so so excited. He started work and then we realized how horrible the pay was. They offered him $14.50 an hour............. to support a family of 5......... We were so grateful for the job that we just went with it and hoped that a raise would be in the future. After talking to many of the employees we found that this company just doesn't pay very well and raises are not something that happen often. My heart sunk. This is just another temporary job, another HOLE! We needed a career, something for Jason to retire from and something that would put us back living on our own. A few months into this job and working long long hours Jason got a call from a company about a possible job that would be based out of Utah. So Jason scheduled the phone interview and didn't expect much. The phone interview came and went and they asked him to go into the office for a face to face interview. We took the trip to Vernal for the interview not expecting anything much because we have been let down so so many times. He walked into the interview and walked out 10 minutes later. When I saw him come out I was crushed until he looked at me, grinned and gave me the thumbs up! He was offered the job on the spot again. The only difference with this company is they are a large company and everything has to be formally done. So we waited for the formal job offer in the mail. On Wednesday the following week we finally got the offer. So much to do in order to get the official hire date. He has gone in to get a drug test done. They had to shave his chest because the hair on his head was not long enough. They sent tons of things to fill out and read and this morning we just got another packet of things that need to be filled out. The job is still not 100% official but it is more official then anything we have really done so far. This will be a career. Something he can move up in the company and retire from with great retirement and great benefits!!!! So hopefully the end to this very very long story will be "and they lived happily ever after".

anxiety

My anxiety level has gotten the best of me today. Day 3 of not washing my hair, day 3 of not getting ready for the day. Jason is doing great with school. Just a week and a half left. That is all........... then the big anxiety begins. We are holding it together for the most part. I am trying so hard I am burned out with etsy. Jason and I talked about how nice it would be to go back to it being a hobby and then making the transition of making everything to just having a supplies store. That will be my goal for after we move. Be able to still make items, showing people how they are made but supplies to make them can be purchased. I just need to be creative still and want to run a blog along with it that is a craft how to blog. So that is in the works. I am good at making all these items but it is taking all my time and Ihate that. I have become bitter towards it.... and it should be fun. Jason wants me to be able to be more of the mom I want to be. I can hardly wait for the next 2 weeks to get over so we can really start our future. Off I go to work now :)

Last day

Jason's last day of work is Friday. I am scared but so excited! He is still going to be doing side work so we will still have money coming in. one month of no job is a bit crazy for me to handle but I can do it! i am super mom! Trust me I can, I will be a great mom, I will be able to sell a lot on etsy, I will be able to keep up with house work. I will keep telling myself all this so it comes true. They say put it out ther ein the universe and it shoudl come true. CROSS YOUR FINGERS!!!

As the world..... turns?

Changes is better........ as the world/our minds change would be a great start to a daytime soap because our life is nothing short of dramatic. Anyway, no Arizona for us. This week Jason is saying goodbye to his job, taking his CDL learners perm. test, getting a DOT physical and then enrolling in CDL school. He is going to be in school for a short 3 weeks then off to the oil fields to start an amazing job as a coil tube op. it sounds lame but it is going to give us such a great future! We are so excited, this is a real thing now. He met with the rep for the company again today. As long as he can get the CDL class A over with then the job is his. Not even a question if it will or will not be his, it is his for the taking. Benefits, retirement, steady pay and great pay. So wish us luck that this is truly what is "it"! I am done stressing about all this and very much going to walk by faith because that is all I can do at this point. No use in being upset, angry, sad, stressed or anyhing like it. We are a family, we love each other and that is all that matters. So this concludes a great episode of the very dramatic as the Wagstaff world turns!

What do you do?

What do you do when your world seems like it is on stand still? One night we feel like all the decisions we are making are right and are so happy........ then the next we are so unsure. I have been busier then ever with work and being a mom. Kaden is dealing with some things, Addison is being oh so 2, Makayla is testing her boundaries. Things are crazy living in a very small space, with 7 people in the house and all have different ways of doing things and different needs. My kids are suffering from the lack of space and personal space. They don't have much more then a bed and single shelf to call their own. They are acting out in school, acting out at home and just all over seem very overwhelmed. About as overwhelmed as I feel. It was nice this weekend to spend some time away just Jason and I. Then we get home and reality sets in. What are we really doing? I feel no closer to a goal then I did in October. I am frustrated, scared and just tired. Exhausted doesn't even begin to explain how I feel. I don't know what to think any more. I don't know if what we are doing is right or we are just grasping so hard to anything that we are taking ourselves into it? The job Jason has once again did not have paychecks on Friday like they should. We have no way of knowing when we will actually get paid. Thank goodness I have been busy. I just don't know if I can do this much work for much longer. I am beyond busy for one person to handle. I currently have 32 orders printed that need to ship tomorrow, 35 in the pipe line that need to be printed, 4 packages for models, a boutique to get ready for in a month...... the list goes on. I am one person, i can't do all this but I have no choice. I have to be this busy to make enough for our family to survive. All in all I don't know what is going to happen from one day to the next. I feel like I always complain but I am not doing that now....... just explaining my life right now. It is how it is. I know I can be happy with what I have and just deal or be upset. It is so hard to just be happy about it but i try. I try really hard to be a good mom, i try really hard to be a good wife and I try really hard to be a business owner. I am just not sure how much longer i can keep this up. I am so tired I took a 2 hour nap during the afternoon today. For those that know me, know this is SO unlike me! I hate sitting around doing nothing but my body is catching up to all the stress and lack of sleep.

The flood gates open

I don't think many realize but my life has been one big transition since October of last year. Once desicion after another has been made, declined, thought about etc. Just in the last few weeks Jason and I have made the big decision to have him go back to school....... again...... yeah again. He has is bachelors in business management already but it isn't taking him any place. No new jobs have come from it, nothing positive. The only thing it has given us is a huge student loan payment. I hate that payment!!! Anyway, we had another job set and ready to go but for some reason they kept pushing back his official hire date. Just when we thought we had everything figured out they called us and told us that we would be until at least April or May. Jason was getting pretty discouraged with his current job and no set official hire date for the other job we thought was going to be our big answer to prayers. Well turns out they are pushing back the hire date until August and we both feel as if that is a sign. A sign telling us there is something different that we need to do. So June 21st Jason starts school at MMI in Phoenix, AZ. We will be moving there mid June. I am really scared. I mean REALLY scared. I have never lived outside of Utah County. I know it will be good for us but I am just so overwhelmed with everything that goes into it. I am going to miss my family here so much. I am already crying over it. I have been praying for some kind of "sign" telling me this is right. I know that nothing is going to fall out of the heavens and knock me on the head. I just needed that moment when I felt right. When I felt at peace. After the first session today there was a special about a young boy who helps another boy his age who is handicap. I can't even remember what he had but I know the story was amazing. The thing that hit me so hard was the lady they were focusing on had moved from out of state to.......Gilbert, AZ. She explained that she had only lived one place in her life, she didn't have a husband and for some reason just took her kids to Arizona and hoped for the best. Little did she know that trip would introduce her to the missionaries and she would later be baptised. The story is beautiful but it hit hard for me. Arizona, it felt like my answer. Of ALL the stories that could be told, of all the times I decide to stay and watch in between sessions that story comes on. I feel it was my answer. That I don't need to worry that we won't find a ward in Arizona that we will love. I don't need to worry about changes because if it is right then in the end great things will come from it. I have been crying off and on from that moment and lost it in front of my brother today.

I have been so guilty lately of comparing myself to others. I see everyone around me doing great in jobs, buying homes, having kids, and just over all seem like they have a great life. I see my situation and wonder why in the world I can't get things together. I have not been looking forward to turning 30 this year because I feel like I haven't accomplished all that everyone else has at much younger ages.... blah. Then I hear Elder Hollad's talk and he councels us to not compare ourselves to others. He said- “Brothers and sisters, there are going to be times in our lives when someone else gets an unexpected blessing or receives some special recognition,” he said. “May I plead with us not to be hurt—and certainly not to feel envious—when good fortune comes to another. We are not diminished when someone else is added upon. We are not in a race against each other to see who is the wealthiest or the most talented or the most beautiful or even the most blessed.

“The race we are really in is the race against sin, and surely envy is one of the most universal of those.”

“However late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made, or talents you think you don’t have, or distance from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love.”

What a powerful talk. I needed it, I needed it so bad. The talk is going to be available on Thursday to read but can view it on www.lds.org right now.

So after all that has happened I realized a few things-
1. I can't compare myself to everyone. No matter how well they are doing, I can't be envious I just need to be happy for them. That is going to be hard and I will work on it.
2. Sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and take a chance in order to progress in life. Moving is not ideal for me but I truly believe in the long run it will bless our little family.
3. I am one person and can only do so much. My business has taken over my life lately and I am ready to scale back and start being a better mother and wife.

mouth shut

sometimes I just need to learn to keep my mouth shut. Today is not one of those days. Did I hurt feelings for saying something??............. probably
Do I feel bad for sticking up for my kids?........... not in a million years!

5 things that make me happy

1. I love reading other people's blog posts. Call it weird, whatever but I like to know what is going on in their life.... Creepy? Maybe...
I may or may not be laughing so hard I am crying over a recent post my sister in law wrote about their dog walker. Pretty sure I have been laughing for 10 minutes about this. Hilarious!

2. Cute sparkly silver BOBS, that is right BOBS...... Shoe Carnival was doing buy one get one half off so I got a pair from the little girls section and got Addison a matching pink pair. She has been wearing them for 2 hours now and she won't take them off. I tried, she cried.

3. A husband that is willing to go with me to Victoria Secret so I can find a new bra. He is the only male in the place and trying not to look like a creeper played his phone while I tried bras on. He let me use our tax return money to get a few. I love him. Needed them so bad! Even ran into an old neighbor..... right as the lady was telling me that I was $1 away from getting a free lacey thong.... pretty sure he was bright red at that point.

4. Chips and Salsa from Chilis. Enough said.

5. Taking Kaden to get his hair cut at Craig Cuts and having him jump out of the chair with a big smile on his face saying "look mom! I am a cool dude!". Yep, he is a cool dude. Addison touched his hair and messed it up a bit, the kid broke out in tears for 5 minutes. Yep, cool dude.

the beat goes on

I think I am trapped in the constant beat of life. Same thing every day, same news every day, nothing really positive. How many jobs can you interview with before SOMEONE says "yes"!?! Jason has probably applied for 20 jobs this past week, had one interview that promised him a call back and STILL nothing..... One job told us they are not hiring until March, one never called back, one is a maybe but would move us to New York. Really are we at that point in our life where moving out of state is our only option to survive? I just am heart broken for Jason. He works his butt off, doesn't ever get paid on time and tries so hard to find a new job only to be let down over and over. He is grumpy, down, and just not himself. I know what he is thinking... he feels like he has failed. I feel like he hasn't. I am just really ready for some things to start going our way. I feel like it has been a constant battle since he lost his job with Houghton about 3 years ago. He went without a job for a year and a half, finally found a job and now they don't even pay us on time. Still waiting for our check from Friday and no news as to when it will arrive. We hear the same thing every day "it will be here tomorrow for sure" well tomorrow is here, it isn't here so stop saying FOR SURE!

The bishopric is coming over tonight for a "get to know you" and I am going to right up front with them and say we need help finding a job for Jason. Is that wrong of me??? Then we are headed to get our temple recommends signed by the stake president. I hope that maybe we can get to the temple this weekend. We need some direction bad. We need some help..... There I said it! I need help, I am not going to be too prideful to say it any more. I need help, my family needs help. Praying for the strength to continue putting a smile on my face for my husband. I need a trip to the temple if nothing more then to feel something good and positive for a little bit. blah, such a downer but that is just how I feel and I know it never changes. I am always worried about this exact same thing :(

Feeling overwhelmed

Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed. Most of those that know me, know that I get this way often. It is a little different this time. It is not because I am busy with my business, or the kids..... I am feeling this huge pressure to better our situation and find a place to move with in 8 months. I look at our finances and don't know how we will be able to accomplish so much so quickly. I panic because I don't feel like I am selling enough, doing enough with the kids, doing enough to be a great wife and mother. It is amazing if I can go the entire time at church with out tears flowing.

From Presiden Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk "Forget Me Not"=

Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.

Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!

He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name—you are the daughters of His kingdom. The Psalmist wrote:

“When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained;

“What is man, that thou art mindful of him? …

“For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.”5

God loves you because you are His child. He loves you even though at times you may feel lonely or make mistakes.

The love of God and the power of the restored gospel are redemptive and saving. If you will only allow His divine love into your life, it can dress any wound, heal any hurt, and soften any sorrow.




We are promised that if we look to the lord that he will help us with our trials. He will hold our hands, walk with us during the dark times. I just know I have to keep trying. Eight months seems like a small amount of time but I have to HOPE and have FAITH that it will be enough. That something amazing is in store for us. This is just a set up for a HUGE positive....... I hope

Lesson

Today was a very powerful lesson in relief society. The lesson was titled "love thy neighbor". I found myself trying to keep the tears from flowing the entire lesson. I have been blessed with so much love and kindness shown to me and my family over the past few years. When we lost Matt our entire ward seemed to be behind us. They would come over, call, write, leave food and offer help with kids. It was amazing how flags were put out at our house for a week. The young men and young women had no idea how much that meant to us. More important it meant alot to Jason. He was hurting but I know he felt the love that was all around us just as much as I did.

Another example of kindness, one that I will never forget was when Jason and I left for a trip on another memorial they were doing. My dear friend came over late one night without me knowing, cleaned the house, organized my shop supplies and didn't even tell me. I walked into the house just shocked! I was under so much stress at the time I just could not believe someone would do that for me.

I am on the receiving end of alot of kindness from two very important sisters. They may not be blood but they are my only sisters and wonderful how much they have shown me and taught me over the past couple of years. They NEVER pause to think when i need help, they are always there with a big smile. Drinks, talks, encouragement and much more. The kindness and love shown from them is somethng I will never be able to repay and will spend my life trying.

Another example would be my parents. When Jason and I felt like we were at a dead end they kindly told us it was time to move in with them and have helped us get on our feet again. The support and unconditional love they have shown is more then I can express. They didn't have to let our little family of five take over their home, they easily could have just let us learn a hard lesson but didn't.

All these and more came to mind as I was listening to the lesson. So very thankful for all those wonderful people in my life. I am really blessed and will continue to try and recognize the positive things in my life instead of all the doom and gloom.

President Monson said in an article that came on in the Ensign that the biggest part of living a full and happy life is your attitude. I want to change mine..... I will work on it!

Fun

Getting out with some of my favorite people yesterday was exactly what I needed. Kids are back to school today and I am so ready to get back on a schedule. I don't hear any fighting or crying right now...... all is good in the world right now, this very moment.

Cleansing

Purity is natural. We come into this world with all the right instincts. We are innocent and therefor perceive things as they should be, rather then how they are. Our conscience is clear, our hands are clean, and the world at large is truly beautiful. It is at this time we feel most blessed. To begin feeling young again, we must begin with the most basic step of all; the daily ritual of cleansing.

This is on the bottle of my face wash. I have read the quote every day for years but never had it make more sense then it did today. It is EXACTLY what I am trying to do. Cleansing my life of the negative so I can once again see the world as beautiful.

So the journey truly begins..

why?

Why is it that when I find a friend, I tell this person EVERYTHING and then that person just disappears from my life. Is it because I am not a good person? Am I boring? Am I mean? What is wrong with me that causes people to run?

I have been in this pattern all my life. I guess I am not a good friend? I am sure being so down and depressed all the time has caused some to run. I am just tired of opening up to people just to turn around and have them find something better to do with their life. My parents have these best friends they do EVERYTHING with. I want that kind of relationship so badly. I am tired of sitting in relief society alone. Literally I sit and not a single person talks to me. Jason and I have yet to have real friends. We never get invited to do things and we are always left out. I am in no way talking about my dear family who I am so lucky to have 4 of the BEST sister in laws a person could ask for. I am talking about outside my family life.

It hurts............ it hurts really bad. Heck what am I talking about? I HAVE no life. My life is sitting at a computer, sitting at a table making bows and caring for my children. I have no identity outside of that. I would fade into the distance if I stopped doing all that. I am sure that is why people don't like me. I don't even know who I am. If people had any idea the HURT and UGLY things i have been through in my life they may understand why I am so guarded. Yet I don't tell anyone...... I don't talk about it with my husband either and it just stays bottled up inside me. I must give off an "awful person" vibe.

I have ALWAYS relied on other people to determine who I am. Growing up I always was in a relationship, never single, never alone. I craved attention because I didn't really have any friends. Sure I was semi popular, I was a cheerleader and ______ girlfriend, but again it was just a title. So how do I change ME so that people want to be around me? How do I allow myself to heal and not push people away?

Do I just let all the bad things out of the bag? Is that how I heal? Will that help me to feel better about myself so people aren't put off by me? Am I really that socially awkward? Am I really that bad, do people really try and avoid me? I am sorry if anyone is actually reading this......

I need to find out who I am. Why am I just figuring this out at almost 30? I should have my crap together by now..... yet I don't. I spend all my time trying to put on a show like everything is ok, that I think things will get better, that I really am a positive person. You know what? I am tired of playing that game. Things are NOT ok, I am not pretending any more. I am not going to run off and do something drastic but I hurt. It has taken me almost 30 years for me to say this but I am NOT ok, I hurt, I don't have a single clue WHO I AM. That is why people don't like me and I drive friends away. How can I be there for someone when I can't even deal with the issues I have with myself? I admit...... I am a horrible friend. I forget to call, I get so busy and stressed that is all I talk about. Saying all this even if no one reads it (not that anyone should have to read this horrible post anyway) has actually made me feel like I can change. I want to be a better person, friend, sister, mother and wife. I am tired of being jealous of those around me. I see their relationships and I am jealous, their jobs, their homes...... everything! I know I need to get over that. People always tell me that you never know what is really going on in their life and it could be horrible even if it seems perfect.

I want to heal from all those horrible things in my life. I WANT to talk about them and maybe, just maybe I can become a better person once I am free of all the negative things I struggle with. I started this side blog for a reason. I need and crave an organized happy life. I just want it to be real, not some show. I am ready to let it all go and become the kind of person that people actually want to be around. I will post things that i am sure no one cares to read but just the thought of putting this out there and opening myself up makes me feel like I am letting it go.

I also need to remember all the good in people and I need to tell them know how they are such a big part of my life. I want my family and hopefully friends to know I love them and for them to know I am ALWAYS here if they ever need me. I want to be the kind of person that is emotionally and mentally ready to be the kind of friend I need to be. So NOW is a time for change, healing and becoming a better person.

New Year

Today has been a pretty good day. Woke up late and bummed around for a few hours. Then got ready for 1:00 church, which is not my favorite. Addison naps around noon so church is right during her nap time and it causes her to be super cranky but we will figure that all out in time. Every single lesson today was on obedience. I feel like it was exactly what I needed. I am no rebel, I pray, read my scriptures etc. I just feel like it isn't enough lately. I generally am really hard on myself, that I am working on but I do feel like I need to amp up the obedience factor. my heart tells me that in order for my little family to have a better year in 2012 I need to do more. Alot is going to happen in 2012. I will move out of my parents house, I will have a 10, 6 and 2 year old, we are going to disney land, Jason and I will celebrate 10 years of marraige and I will turn 30..... ugh I hate saying that but yes I will no longer be a 20 something year old and it kinda scares me. I have done alot of thinking and praying over the last couple months. I may not be sure about where my life is headed but one thing I DO know is that something is out there that we are being tested for. Passing this test, the horrible place in our life will bring us one of the biggest blessings you can imagine. It may be something that I am involved in, it could be a new job, schooling, a big move.... just not sure but something is going to fall into place one of these days and as long as we are obedient and continue in faith we will be able to recognize it. So for this new year I will walk by faith not by sight and try to be obedient in all things to come closer to our Father in Heaven.